Government Funded "Medical" Marijuana for EVERY American

Democrats announced today in Washington, D. C. a bill to provide government funded “medical” marijuana to everyone in America. President Obama was quick to throw his support behind the pending legislation, saying, “If not now, then when; If not us, then who?”

Details were apparently being worked out in a smoke-filled room. Despite long hours, many described the attitude of lawmakers as light hearted. House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, who came to encourage her Democratic colleagues was said to be “positively giddy” over the idea. The Speaker was quoted as saying, “This is a right for all Americans, not a privilege!”

A Spokesperson for the AARP was quick to endorse the efforts, noting that no group in America deserved to kick back and relax more that citizens over the age of 55 adding that this bill would “take the edge off” the recent cuts in Medicare benefits.

Details are still being worked out, but one unnamed source confirmed that the benefits will be available without a prescription. Apparently, you will just need to tell your pharmacist that you are: 1) “feeling a little bit queasy,” 2) that you are “somewhat down”, or 3) that you are “having a bad day. “

Originally thought to target only those over the age of 18, children 12 years and older will qualify under “the dog ate my homework” provision of the bill. The NEA was quick to point out that students could use “a little help” coping with the enormous pressure put on them by parents to perform well in school.

Amongst concerns over raising taxes and adding to the mounting federal debt, House Majority Leader Harry Reid said that he expected there to be less concern over the Bill once Americans “see what’s in it.”

Also included in the Bill is funding for research to produce a more potent strain of marijuana for use in the program. House Majority Whip James E. Clyburn confirmed this by saying, “After all, we want the American taxpayers to get their money’s worth.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs that the majority of Americans support the idea and that most will “get a kick out of the benefits.”

Former President Bill Clinton said he did not oppose the legislation but recommended that users not inhale. Meanwhile, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that she and her staff would “work tirelessly to ensure that women in American get their fare share.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said he expected EVERY Republican in the Senate and in the House to vote against this or any other bill that causes so many tax dollars to “go up in smoke.”

I personally see this as the Democrats’ trying to fulfill their election mandate. After all, since they know what’s best for America, how bad can this Bill be?